How Can I?
"How can I stop these other men from following me," Maria asked Tonyo, her boyfriend. Tonyo, showing signs of jealousy, answered: "Act natural."
"Let me help you," Tonyo addressed a young boy. "Who told you to carry that pail of water? That's too heavy for your age." The boy responded: "It was my uncle who asked me to. He said I should not worry because I would find an old fool to help me carry this."
"Stop the noise," the speaker told the crowd. Tonyo who was among the listeners yelled, "But you started it!"
"You are making me lose my mind," Maria told Tonyo. "Really?" Tonyo remarked. "But you should lose your mouth first."
Male or Female
"Is that monkey a male or a female?" Maria asked Tonyo who invited her to Manila Zoo. Annoyed by the question, Tonyo said: "Why are you asking? Would that male monkey be interested in knowing that you are a female?"
"Can you keep a secret?" Tonyo asked Maria. "Of course," remarked Maria who was shivering in excitement. "So can I," Tonyo said.
Do You Mind?
"You don't mind my smoking, do you?" a passenger in the jeepney asked Tonyo who was seated next to him. "No," Tonyo said. "You don't mind my being sick, do you?"
"Do you have the confidence in lending me a thousand pesos?" Tonyo asked Goryo, his kumpadre. "Yes, of course. I have the confidence in you," Goryo said. "But I don't have a thousand pesos."
It's another classic Filipino joke that has been told many times again. Dondon and Dina are having a quarrel. At a loss for words to sustain the argument, Dondon cries "Pangit!" Of course, Dina is offended but fights back with the word, "Sinungaling!"
Gloria and Erap
Isang araw, nakasalubong daw ni Gloria si Erap na lasing. Dahil di magkasundo ang dalawa, nauwi ang pagtatagpo sa asaran. Erap: "Pandak! Pandak! Pandak!" Gloria: "Lasing! Lasing! Lasing!" Erap: "Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pandak ka pa rin."
Three men were introduced to a lady. The first man said: "Hi! I'm Peter, but not the saint." The second man said: "I'm Paul, but not the pope." The third man said: "I'm John but not the baptist." After the three men were introduced, the pretty lady said: "Hi to all of you! I'm Mary, but not a virgin."
Three boys were bragging about their fathers. "I have the most famous father," the first boy said. "He is the town engineer." The second boy was not to be outsmarted. "Your father reports to my father. My father is the town mayor," he said. The third boy stood up and said: "Both of your fathers kneel before my father. He is the Parish priest."
A new congressman, who used to become an actor, received his baptism of fire at the Plenary Hall. Many of the congressmen who were present were jealous of the popularity of the new congressman. So, when the new solon delivered his first speech, a lot of questions were thrown at him. To the surprise of everyone, the new solon managed to answer all the questions. Finally, someone asked: "How do you differentiate a proposal from a proposed bill?" The newcomer, pausing for a while, stunned everyone when he said: "A proposal is what you say to a GRO while a proposed bill is what she gets afterwards."
Maria is a devout Catholic. She was married with 17 children when her first husband died. Soon, she was married again and had five more children. Her second husband died and later on she followed. At the funeral, a neighbor looked skyward and said: "Finally, they are together." A mourner who was sitting on the front row said: "Excuse me, but what do you mean? Are you referring to Maria's first husband or second husband?" The neighbor answered without turning her head: "I mean her legs."
Where did I come from?
"Nanay, where did I come from?" the pretty seven-year-old daughter asks.
It is a moment of truth for the mother who is not yet prepared for the situation. She takes her into the living room, shows the encyclopedia and several other books, and explains all she thinks her daughter should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mothers asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "My friend Nene said she came from Cebu. I want to know where I came from."
Pedro, an OCW received mails from his neighbors informing him that his wife was playing with fire. So he decided to go home and upon arrival went directly to the municipal judge to file an adultery case against his wife.
Pedro: Honorable Judge, I came here to file a case against my infidel wife.
Judge: What do you mean?
Pedro: She is playing with fire. She got another lover.
Judge: Do you have proof for this?
Pedro: No but that is what I heard from my neighbors.
Judge: Pedro you better go home. Hearsays are not accepted in court.
Upon turning his back, Pedro released some bad air from his stomach and this did not pass without bothering the judge.
Judge: Pedro, you farted inside my courthouse. That is very disrespectful.
Pedro: Judge, you are accusing me. Have you seen it?
Judge: No, but I've heard it.
Pedro: Judge, you better go home and plant camote. Hearsays are not acceptable in court.
A group of congressmen were deliberating on a solon's proposal of building a concrete bridge in his district. The other lawmakers showed reluctance over the bill, explaining that money should be spent in building schools instead. To this, the proponent of the bill accused his detractors of not considering the interests of his constituents. The bridge, he said, will promote commerce and trade between localities in his district. He even showed a map and indicated that the entire area will benefit from the project. To show that they are listening to the speaker, the other congressmen took a peek at the map. As they closely scrutinized the map, one solon asked: "There is no river in the area. Where will you build the bridge?" The proponent paused for a while before responding. "That is not a problem. We can build the river as soon as the bridge is completed."
Among Filipinos, it is a common belief that a "duling" or a crosseyed person has double vision. At one time, Tonyo, who is a shrewd passenger, boarded a bus bound for Monumento. Tonyo, judging from the countenance of the kundoktor, concluded that the latter must be "duling". When the konduktor was collecting the fares of the passengers, a smart idea entered Tonyo's mind. The minimum fare at public buses was eight pesos. With the belief that the konduktor had two visions, Tonyo inferred that the coins he would pay would appear double the amount in the eyes of the kundoktor. So instead of paying the minimum fare of eight pesos, Tonyo handed four one-peso coins to the konduktor. Tonyo thought that with four pesos in his hands, the konduktor would count them as eight pesos, since the latter had double vision. But to Tonyo's surprise, the konduktor said "Kulang ang bayad mo, pare." Tonyo, who would not easily give up hope for any of his scheme, engaged the konduktor in a heated discussion. "I think I have paid enough. Didn't I give you eight pesos?" asked Tonyo, without showing hesitation. "Yes, you did. Pero kulang pa rin ang bayad mo," responded the konduktor. "But Why?" asked Tonyo. The konduktor, who began pointing finger at Tonyo, said: "It is only good for one passenger. E yung sa kakambal mo?" Tonyo almost fell out of his seat.
Lola Tale was on a bus bound for Manila. The bus was speeding along the North Luzon Tollway in Bulacan when Lola Tale screamed on top of her lungs. "Para," cried Lola Tale. But the bus driver would not stop the bus just because somebody at the back was screaming. Of course, the driver was aware that it is prohibited to park the bus along the tollway. The driver sent his assistant or konduktor to attend to the troubled passenger. "Why were you screaming, lola?" asked the konduktor. "I could not stand it anymore," said Lola Tale. "I have to pee." After controlling his laughter, the konduktor tried to calm the old passenger. Knowing that the bus could not be parked at the tollway and that Manila was just minutes away, the konduktor tried a trick on Lola Tale. "Please, remain seated Lola. It's just your imagination." Lola Tale, showing signs she could not control her system, urged the konduktor to stop the bus. But the konduktor was even more firm and was happily teasing Lola Tale with the words: "It's just your imagination." When all things failed for Lola Tale, her control system also failed. In other words, she peed on the bus. This did not pass without bothering the other passengers, and of course the konduktor. The konduktor immediately confronted Lola Tale who at this time showed signs of relief. "You peed on the bus," remarked the angry konduktor. Lola Tale, without expressing any guilt, responded with the words. "Apo, it's just your imagination."
In a meeting of the House committee on ethics, a congressman was summoned to respond to accusations that he had shown immoral acts. The chairman of the committee explained that as public officials, they are supposed to uphold morality and set a good example to their constituents. The congressman, whose dignity was in question, said he had not done anything wrong. He claimed that since he was a child, he had been taught all the good manners by his parents. He was about to deliver a long speech about his moral standards when the committee chairman showed him a picture. "It is clearly you who appear with two prostitutes in the picture," said the committee chairman. "The picture shows that you are kissing the two prostitutes. That is unbecoming of a public official." The accused congressman spoke out. "Truly, kissing prostitutes is unbecoming of my position. But I am not guilty of this. You must be mistaken, gentlemen. That picture shows it's the prostitutes who are kissing me."